Week 1: Saturdays will get ya!

Week 1: Weigh in: 295

I am done 2 lbs from my initial weigh in of 297. I did a good job this week tracking  calories. Yesterday I ate my way through the day
Not because I was hungry but because it was there.

I spent some time reading the blog Can Anyone Hear Me? It helped me target one rebellion I have against losing weight. The idea that fat people are less than. The fat people need to lose weight to be valuable. The blogger posted a very moving tribute to the picture of her "before" and how that person is equally as deserving of love as her current slimmer photo.

"That's it!" That's the part of the rebellion in me. Screw you to all the people who pressure and monetize a weight loss struggle. I am morbidly obese and I am happy, married and surrounded by amazing friends and family. The numbers on the scale don't have anything to do with that.

Keeping it real though - that's a small part of my self-sabatoge. Karen Gillman who wrote After the Band helped me see that overeating is self-sabatoge. I KNOW I feel my best when I eat good foods - vegetables, lean proteins, limited dairy, no gluten and no processed foods. My anxiety is lower and I am just in a good mood! Every time I chose something else - I am sabatoging feeling that way.

The truth is - I like eating. I like the full feeling when I finish a great meal or snack. I like that little rush when sugar hits the system or that release after the first sip of wine. I like the way it feels in that moment. I don't like feeling tired, the mood swings, not fitting into the seats at Fenway so I have bruises on my legs after Opening Day. I don't like knees and feet that hurt. I don't like that my options are limited or that my husband worries if I am going to be able to do that before pick an activity. But those are long term penalties for an instant gratification crime. 

Next week I head to Punta Cana for 7 nights. I'm excited about the fun that will be had. My strategy is to make smart choices at breakfast and lunch when my willpower is high. Focus on meats and veggies for dinner. And limit drinking.

Lose 1 pound a week for 99 weeks. (This really feels like that beer barrel song.)

This is before

I had a moment this weekend in Washington DC. A pic was taken that really showed how much weight I have gained. I decided it would be my before picture. It's time.

Yesterday I got back on My Fitness Pal.

Today I had an idea. 1 pound a week for 100 weeks. It seems big and manageable all at the same time.

I know I can work out. I did it for 330 days straight. I know I can lose the weight. I lost 35 lbs in 4 months in 2013. I am taking the right steps. I have a chiropractor that inspires me for a great prgram. I am starting a new skin program. I am ready for the after photo. 

Here's the before:

January 29, 2014

So I am still struggling to figure out when I am hungry and when I am not. It's really confusing and a little embarrassing that I am having so much trouble with this. It is a powerful signal how out of touch with my body I am.

Interestingly, I went back and calculated how many calories I ate in the first two days just checking in on my hunger and found out I am right on target for weight loss. That was really encouraging.

I find it amusing that my thoughts are fixated on "Are you Hungry?"  most of the time now.

It's going to be a good long learning process.

No More Diets

On Friday I was driving home and listening to the Dr. Jenn Berman show on OWN radio. She talked about how diets don't work. My experience of gaining back half the weight I lost over the last 8 weeks reflected that. I realized that I didn't change my relationship with food.

Berman recommends using a hunger scale from 1 - 10 to continually check in with yourself. The goal is to eat at 3 - when you are hungry but not starving. Only eat to get to a 5 - neutral - rather than a 6 - 10 of being full. This idea really resonated with me. I immediately went home and downloaded the app for $3.99.

Over the weekend, I realized that I am so out of touch with my body that I am not really sure what it feels like to be hungry. I was eating when I was full. This week I am focused on figuring out what exactly the signals are that my body is sending me. 

I am cautiously optimistic about this process. It became very clear over the weekend that i do need to change my relationship with food.

January 21st

Well, as of today I have gained 15 pounds back from my 30 pound last year. It is an important wake up call that I can't lose focus for a day and keep the gains I have made. I am focused this year in being strong and healthy and getting skinnier every day. I am grateful for a supportive husband and family. I am grateful for a good job and a nice life.

A lull

This June and July have been rough for me. I haven't been focused. I have not kept to the calorie targets. I've been gaining the losing the same 2 pounds for the last 8 weeks. There was no visible difference in my June pics to my July pics. Last week, I was sad. I was in a funk. It was mostly hormonal but still felt very very real. This week I need to break this stalemate and get back into the groove. I feel better when I eat less calories and more high quality foods. I have to remember that in the moments when I want to find comfort in a bag of candy, an extra cocktail or a another handful of salami. 

I can do this. I already dropped 30 lbs. I can do this. I am worth this. I am getting skinnier and stronger every day. I have worked out 194 days in a row and I will make it to New Year's Eve on that streak. I have a great support and accountability system. And it's okay to take a break from tracking every calorie. I am in this for long haul. I need to make this happen. 

The Family Photo weigh in

This morning was the weigh in for the family photo session this weekend. My sister challenged me to lose 30 pounds by this upcoming Sunday. I have lost 23.6 lbs and I am very happy about it. I am starting to fit into some of my old clothes which is very exciting. My husband, my friend Jenny and these weekly weigh ins have been a great source of motivation and support. I am starting to notice my palette changing. I definitely want less carbs and sweets than I used to. I feel strong and motivated. My mantra of Just Worry about Today is definitely working.