Week 1: Saturdays will get ya!

Week 1: Weigh in: 295

I am done 2 lbs from my initial weigh in of 297. I did a good job this week tracking  calories. Yesterday I ate my way through the day
Not because I was hungry but because it was there.

I spent some time reading the blog Can Anyone Hear Me? It helped me target one rebellion I have against losing weight. The idea that fat people are less than. The fat people need to lose weight to be valuable. The blogger posted a very moving tribute to the picture of her "before" and how that person is equally as deserving of love as her current slimmer photo.

"That's it!" That's the part of the rebellion in me. Screw you to all the people who pressure and monetize a weight loss struggle. I am morbidly obese and I am happy, married and surrounded by amazing friends and family. The numbers on the scale don't have anything to do with that.

Keeping it real though - that's a small part of my self-sabatoge. Karen Gillman who wrote After the Band helped me see that overeating is self-sabatoge. I KNOW I feel my best when I eat good foods - vegetables, lean proteins, limited dairy, no gluten and no processed foods. My anxiety is lower and I am just in a good mood! Every time I chose something else - I am sabatoging feeling that way.

The truth is - I like eating. I like the full feeling when I finish a great meal or snack. I like that little rush when sugar hits the system or that release after the first sip of wine. I like the way it feels in that moment. I don't like feeling tired, the mood swings, not fitting into the seats at Fenway so I have bruises on my legs after Opening Day. I don't like knees and feet that hurt. I don't like that my options are limited or that my husband worries if I am going to be able to do that before pick an activity. But those are long term penalties for an instant gratification crime. 

Next week I head to Punta Cana for 7 nights. I'm excited about the fun that will be had. My strategy is to make smart choices at breakfast and lunch when my willpower is high. Focus on meats and veggies for dinner. And limit drinking.

Lose 1 pound a week for 99 weeks. (This really feels like that beer barrel song.)

This is before

I had a moment this weekend in Washington DC. A pic was taken that really showed how much weight I have gained. I decided it would be my before picture. It's time.

Yesterday I got back on My Fitness Pal.

Today I had an idea. 1 pound a week for 100 weeks. It seems big and manageable all at the same time.

I know I can work out. I did it for 330 days straight. I know I can lose the weight. I lost 35 lbs in 4 months in 2013. I am taking the right steps. I have a chiropractor that inspires me for a great prgram. I am starting a new skin program. I am ready for the after photo. 

Here's the before:

January 29, 2014

So I am still struggling to figure out when I am hungry and when I am not. It's really confusing and a little embarrassing that I am having so much trouble with this. It is a powerful signal how out of touch with my body I am.

Interestingly, I went back and calculated how many calories I ate in the first two days just checking in on my hunger and found out I am right on target for weight loss. That was really encouraging.

I find it amusing that my thoughts are fixated on "Are you Hungry?"  most of the time now.

It's going to be a good long learning process.

No More Diets

On Friday I was driving home and listening to the Dr. Jenn Berman show on OWN radio. She talked about how diets don't work. My experience of gaining back half the weight I lost over the last 8 weeks reflected that. I realized that I didn't change my relationship with food.

Berman recommends using a hunger scale from 1 - 10 to continually check in with yourself. The goal is to eat at 3 - when you are hungry but not starving. Only eat to get to a 5 - neutral - rather than a 6 - 10 of being full. This idea really resonated with me. I immediately went home and downloaded the app for $3.99.

Over the weekend, I realized that I am so out of touch with my body that I am not really sure what it feels like to be hungry. I was eating when I was full. This week I am focused on figuring out what exactly the signals are that my body is sending me. 

I am cautiously optimistic about this process. It became very clear over the weekend that i do need to change my relationship with food.

January 21st

Well, as of today I have gained 15 pounds back from my 30 pound last year. It is an important wake up call that I can't lose focus for a day and keep the gains I have made. I am focused this year in being strong and healthy and getting skinnier every day. I am grateful for a supportive husband and family. I am grateful for a good job and a nice life.

A lull

This June and July have been rough for me. I haven't been focused. I have not kept to the calorie targets. I've been gaining the losing the same 2 pounds for the last 8 weeks. There was no visible difference in my June pics to my July pics. Last week, I was sad. I was in a funk. It was mostly hormonal but still felt very very real. This week I need to break this stalemate and get back into the groove. I feel better when I eat less calories and more high quality foods. I have to remember that in the moments when I want to find comfort in a bag of candy, an extra cocktail or a another handful of salami. 

I can do this. I already dropped 30 lbs. I can do this. I am worth this. I am getting skinnier and stronger every day. I have worked out 194 days in a row and I will make it to New Year's Eve on that streak. I have a great support and accountability system. And it's okay to take a break from tracking every calorie. I am in this for long haul. I need to make this happen. 

The Family Photo weigh in

This morning was the weigh in for the family photo session this weekend. My sister challenged me to lose 30 pounds by this upcoming Sunday. I have lost 23.6 lbs and I am very happy about it. I am starting to fit into some of my old clothes which is very exciting. My husband, my friend Jenny and these weekly weigh ins have been a great source of motivation and support. I am starting to notice my palette changing. I definitely want less carbs and sweets than I used to. I feel strong and motivated. My mantra of Just Worry about Today is definitely working.

1st Quarter 2013

So it has been three months since I committed to work out every day and log my calories every day. I am close to losing 20 pounds so far. I have had moments of pure joy fitting into pants a size smaller.  The key has been figuring out my Basal Metabolic Rate so I am eating the proper amount of calories. My Fitness Pal recommended I eat 1698 calories to lose 2 pounds a week, my BMR currently is 2000 calories. The theory is that I have to end up with 2,000 calories at the end of the day so I eat back my exercise calories. I still go over. Turns out my default is about 3,000 calories, but by taking off the pressure of eating perfectly - I am doing much better. 


Yesterday I was looking at pictures from 2005. I was 20 pounds over my goal weight and about 60 pounds less than I am now. I can't believe I thought I was fat then. I was HOT! I am really looking forward at getting back to that weight.  A big motivation is being the weight I was when I met my husband by our 5th anniversary  May 2014. That will be a 85 pound weight loss over 17 months or about 1.25 pounds per week. 

I still feel strong and that I can do this. Working out is a natural part of my life now. Cutting out sugar is pretty easy to do when I am thoughtful about it. It's still one day at a time. Every day. One day at a time. 

Why I think it will work this time

Here I go again!

Why I think it will work:
1. I have two accountability buddies - one for weight loss and one for exercising every day. I log in my weight once a week and if I "outlose" my partner by May - I get $20. I also have a friend on Facebook that we are both going for 365 days of exercise in 2013. We call it #365for365 and it is a great motivation. I don't want to let her down. I am already 7 for 7.

2. I am only focusing on three things: 1. Exercise every day. 2. Log my food every day. 3. Wear my fitbit every day. I can do this. This is easy.

3. I naturally realized that carbs are not big of a part of my life. I don't eat a lot of bread, cereal or pasta. I don't generally eat dessert so just avoiding the office candy jar is all I have to do to be sugar free and gluten free.

4. I have an incredibly supportive husband who gets me up for the gym every morning.

5. I am starting while we have our share with the farm so a ton of  veggies end up at our house every other week and need to be consumed.

6. I visualize my inner skinny girl. I do a daily affirmation that I am getting skinnier every day. I view each exercise as digging out a shovel of dirt to get closer to that girl.

I'm ready.

Off the rails

Calories: 3501
Exercise: 60 minutes slow walking
Drinks: 4

Off the rails. I used the excuse I wasn't feeling well to go straight off the rails!

Do something you never did

7/19/12
Calories: 2,708
Exercise: 60 minutes slow walking
Drinks: Too many

I was listening to the radio - Oprah radio. One the guests said, "If you want something you've never heard, you have to do something you never did." I promptly ignored that advice and went home and stuffed my face with salami, pasta, cheese and alcohol.

It's not a mystery why I am still obese.

Focusing on the why

7.18.12
Calories: 2,372
Exercise: 30 minutes Mall Walking
Drinks: 3

I read an excerpt from Michael Pantalon's book Instant Influence. He claims you get can anyone to do anything in 7 minutes or less by tapping into their existing motivation. I thought about this yesterday as I walked through the mall. I am a long way from being full committed to losing 80 pounds. A long, long way. Under Pantalon's guidance, I asked myself  "Why am I even thinking about it at all? Why am I even out here exercising?" 

I want to fully enjoy my vacations with my husband. On the last 3 major vacations, I had to hold back and send my husband ahead or we both didn't do something because I didn't trust my body would be able to handle it or I wasn't feeling well. That sucks. It also sucks that I am above the weight limit for things I want to do.

I want to live a long time pain free. Right now, I am dealing with the implications of the excess weight - a few creaks in the morning, tiredness that is annoying, but I can still function day to day. If my weight continues to increase or stay the same, my body will start to give out. That would suck.

I want to look at pictures and not be ashamed of how large I have become.

I want to shop in the clearance section of the regular stores. Back when I was a 16 (I am a 22W/24W now), I could persue Macy's, JCPenney, Ann Taylor and come out with some really cute, low priced goods.

I want to wear high heels again. I wear down my shoes to badly because they just aren't built to accomodate that much weight.

I want to see my toes. When I was in elementary school, I remember walking around the track. The mean boys were taunting me about how fat I was and said, "I bet she can't see her toes." I couldn't then and I can't now.

I see Pantalon's point. Focusing on the "why are you even trying" really helps put things in perspective. There have been changes I have made and stuck to:
1. Drinking a green smoothie for breakfast instead of eating carbs.
2. Switching to almond milk in my coffee instead of dairy.

The third change I am going to work on is walking every day. I agree with Gretchen Rubin from the The Happiness Project. She says if she wants to change a behavior - she has to commit to doing it every day. Otherwise, the off days will take over. I agree. So walking every day it is. I have walked Tuesday and Wednesday this week and have a buddy lined up for today and tomorow. Saturday should be easy - first thing. Sunday, I am walking in a parade so here's to this week!

See you tomorrow!

More gourging

2 drop biscuits with honey
1 Early Grey tea with hone y
1 very sticky computer keyboard
1 lemon cookie

Today's lovely menu

1 Earl Grey tea with honey
1 Fiber ONe cereal
Green Tea and Mint Tea
LaraBar - cashew cookie
1 turkey and avocado wrap
1 strawberry/ banana smoothie
1 Auntie Ann's pretzel
1 Auntie Ann's lemonade
6 drop biscuits
Tofu noodle bowl
6 chocolates
1 shots vodka
club soda
1/2 lime

What I ate today

2 cups Earl Grey tea with honey
1 Bowl Fiber One
3 cups Chex Mix
1 can tuna
2 slices bread
1 Tbsp mayo
1 Tbsp relish
2 tomato slices
1 lettuce
6 lemon cookies
2 Coke Zeroes
Spicy Tofu Noodle Bowl
3 shots of vodka
Club Soda
1/2 lime

Yesterday I made cookies

I think that should pretty much give away how yesterday went. I made cookies! I ate pizza! I ate chips! I drank gatorade like someone who actually needed it. I convinced myself being too fat for my clothes wasn't so bad. Today I feel like shit. Well played universe, well played.

A little good - a little not so good.

I started the day yesterday really well - Fiber One and a handful of vitamins. I headed out to the farm with two garlic breadsticks to keep the food emergencies at bay. I spent 2 and 1/2 hours making corn chowder, roasted rainbow chard, and carrot/radish soup. The problem here is that the corn chowder had bacon and half and half and I had two bowls. The chard was drenched in butter and bacon fat. For dinner, I had 2 cups of chex mix and as much Bailey's. But today is a new day. I will get in a walk today. I plan to start my 5K training January 18th. In between now and then, my goal is to walk 24 miles per week. That's 4 - 6 miles day or 6 - 4 mile days. We'll see. Today I am going to have Fiber One and vitamins for breakfast, carrot soup for lunch and then Thai soup noodle bowl for dinner. And we are off and running!

I'll start tomorrow

So I am definitely doing that thing where you "get it out of your system" before you start. Yesterday, I had pizza, breadsticks, salad sathered in blue cheese dressing, pasta bake and wine - lots of wine - and Baileys and ice cream. Oh - no problem because I am starting Monday. Rationally, I know this is a big problem and the bigger deal I make about "Getting healthy" the harder it will be to finish. But I just can't help myself.

I am at a critical point. We are leaving for China on the 26th and my energy and endurance levels are pitiful. My legs and ankles swell after just 3 miles of walking. This is a trip of a lifetime and I am going to blow it because I can't get it together to put down the damn fork. This is a big problem. But all I have is today and I can only focus on what is in front of me. So for now, I am drinking water, waiting for the coffee to perculate and heading for a bowl of Fiber One cereal. One step at a time .

Step 1 - done

I have purchases an app for my iPod that will take me from Couch to 5K in 9 weeks. Because I am in terrible shape, I am going to change that to 18 weeks. I have told my husband and he is very supportive and very surprised since I have shown NO interest in running and training for a 60 mile walk nearly killed me. This is my marathon.

Happy New Year

As promised - here's my resolutions:
- Be healthy. I am taking a new assignment at work that will involve more travel and responsibility. Last time, this resulted in workaholic hours, bad eating habits and a few too many pub crawls. This time, I resolve to take proactive steps to manage stress, exercise, eat healthy and continue to ensure that my family, friends and husband get the best of me - not what's left over.
- Actually use the cookbooks gathering dust on the shelf. I love to buy cookbooks. I have lots of beautiful cookbooks with pictures of amazing food. This year, I am going to make some of that amazing food. Each month, I am going to pick a cookbook and make at least 4 dishes out of the cookbook. I'll share the results here - minus the cursing, cries of desperation and mess of course.
- Be charitable. Carve out time to volunteer. Select charities and be intentional in giving.
- Laugh a lot and often
- Try to limit reality TV to 4 shows. JUST KIDDING! We all know that is impossible.

I am more excited for this year than I have ever been. I had always tried to imagine how I thought my life would be and it has turned out way better than I ever imagined so I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for me. What are you hoping for this year? What are you looking forward to?